At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
