when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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