new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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