lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
