cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
