I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
