Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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