Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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