I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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