he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
