how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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