I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
