Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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