Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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