Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
