this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
