Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
