just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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