So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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