His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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