so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
