one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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