sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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