mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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