Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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