I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
