did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
