hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
