i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
