I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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