i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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