my phone needs a breathalizer
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't put those talents on a resume
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
