I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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