happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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