Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
God, I missed his penis.
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