Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
