he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
