found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
