When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
