Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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