Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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