Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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