sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
