I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
