I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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