plz talk dirty to me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm getting married
To pizza
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
