Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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