I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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