I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
where are my eyebrows?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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