I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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