i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
