just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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