Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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