I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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