I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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