so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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