do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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