So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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