she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
