someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
